1. Don't expect your partner/spouse to know he/she has offended if you don't say it.
Stop holding your hurt inside you; if you do, you will resent your partner/spouse thinking he/she doesn't care, or he/she will find you hostile without understanding why2. Control your
temper. A hot temper will make you say or do something you will regret
3. Talk about the
issue privately, away from children or the public
4. Find out all
the facts, don't jump into conclusion. Listen to your partner's/spouse's side
of the story or the sequence of events
5. Do not attack
your partner/spouse. Listen to him/her
6. Start talking
about the issue with the words "You know I love you. I don't like it
when..." ог "You know I love you. I have noticed that..."
7. Handle the
issue quickly before it grows into something that is difficult to manage. Put
out the fire when it is small
8. When talking
about a present issue or conflict, don't introduce a past issue or conflict
that was already resolved
9. No matter how
mad you are about what your partner/spouse did to you or you did to each other,
ask him/her to pray with you. As you pray, tell God how angry you feel as your
partner/spouse listens, ask for peace. Prayer humbles both of you and gives the
peace and guidance to resolve the matter
10. Acknowledge
your partner's/spouse's pain and hurt. Let him/her know he/she has every right
to feel angry, hurt, offended, disrespected or ignored; depending on the
matter, and you are on the wrong
11. Be quick to
apologize. Say sorry. Say sorry even when it was something you did right but
your partner/spouse interpreted it as wrong
12. Be quick to
forgive. How serious you are about your relationship/marriage will be seen by
how quick you forgive
13.Don't try and justify your actions if you are clearly on the wrong. Sorry is not sincere if you try to decorate your mistakes. Own up to your mess
14. Don't compare
your partner/spouse with other people, saying, "Why can't you be like so
and so..." Never make the one you love feel not good enough
15. Don't
discourage your partner/spouse by not recognizing his/her effort. Be patient if
your partner/spouse is making progress on an issue
16. Don't tell
your partner's/spouse's shortcomings to outsiders. When he/she feels covered by
you, it makes it easier for you two to work it out
17. Don't
threaten to divorce or break up in order to scare your spouse/partner into
action. The more the thoughts of separation will be entertained, the more the
likelihood of separation
18. Don't tell on
your spouse to your spouse's parents or your parents in a way that makes it
seem you are treating your spouse like a child. Bringing the parents to the
matter should be a joint decision19. Don't cut off communication. Pick up your
phone when you spouse calls you, don't run away, don't give silent treatment.
This is the time when communication is needed the most
20. Don't bang
doors, spit, insult, punish your spouse by failing to play your role as a way
to show contempt or rebel. Marriage is not for child's play. Stop being a child
and talk about the matter
21. Don't use sex
as a weapon. Never play games with your sex life
22. Don't focus
on the issue that you both forget the bigger picture; how far you two have
come, how much you two have been through together
23., Don't sleep
in different bedrooms or move out leaving your spouse. You two should never get
used to being apart
24. Agree on a
way forward to avoid the matter repeating itself
© Akello
Oliech and Dayan Masinde
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